A wave of crime is sweeping through the pop world. Rumours of indecent dress,
attempted fraud and theft from hotels are rife. we have called in five
particularly shifty young men for questioning...
In a world awash with boy bands, not all are as they seem. Turn over for the
terrible truth behind these five angelic faces...
Filan, Egan, Feehily, McFadden and Byrne. You have been arrested on suspicion of
commiting a series of sneaky crimes under the guise of a clean.living popular
music band which operates by the name Westlife. You have the right to remain
silent but you should know that anything you do say can and may be used as
evidence against you.
THE FASHION POLICE ARE ON PATROL. WHICH WESTLIFER IS MOST LIKELY TO BE ARRESTED
FOR INDECENT CLOTHES SENSE AND SLUNG IN THE BACK OF THE VAN?
K: Shane! He can wear the silliest of things. Do you remember Tenerife? We all
met up by the pool in our shorts and flip-flops and then Shane appeared:
baseball cap, sunglasses, white vest, green summery shirt, swim shorts, bum
bag...
B: Big white socks and black Nike trainers..
S: No! Don't remind me of that!
K: We said, ´Where are you going Shane?´ And he was all (puts on gormless
voice), ´What? What?´ He looked like such a tourist.
M: Shane's not bad overall but that day he looked terrible.
S: It's a fair cop!
YOU'VE JUST FINISHED A SLAP_UP MEAL IN A CAFÉ BUT YOU'VE ALL FORGOTTEN YOUR
WALLETS. WHO SUGGESTS DOING A RUNNER?
K: Feehily definitely.
B: Yeah, Mark's really crafty. You could be sitting there chatting to him and
without you noticing, he'll just get up and walk away.
N: If Mark did a runner and got caught, he'd be the kind of person who'd say,
´What are you talking about? It wasn't me!´
M: (Desperately trying to defend himself.) Only for a laugh!
N: I've seen him doing it in a café at Heathrow Airport. He picked up a traylord
of food, walked straight past the till and sat down.
M: You can't let TOTP print that! (Too late!)
YOU'VE BOUGHT A ROUND OF DRINKS AT THE HOTEL BAR AND THE BARMAN MISTAKES YOU FOR
ONE OF FIVE. WHICH OF YOU GUYS CRAFTILY SIGNS OFF THE BILL TO FIVE'S ROOM
WITHOUT SAYING A WORD?
N: Every one of us!
B: Hey, we'd never get mistaken for Five. In their dreams!
K: Can I just say, we didn't say any of that stuff in the papers about wanting
to beat up Five?
M: We weren't even misquoted. It was made up.
N: it made us Look silly though cos Five supposedly called us ´boring wimps´ and
we apparently called them (puts on wimpy voice) ´rude thugs´. As if!
YOU SEE SOME HORRIBLE GRAFFITI ABOUT WESTLIFE. WHO WOULD WHIP OUT THEIR MARKER
PEN AND RETALIATE?
N: If I saw something horrible about me I'd probably write something in return
but if it was about the band I'd ignore it. We saw an awful lot of horrible
things about Boyzone when they first started out. You know, nasty names and
that.
B: I once vandaliseed a Westlife poster in Dublin. I draw moustaches and glasses
on our faces.
S: The next day I said to Bryan, ´Did you see our posters with graffiti all over
them?´ He cracked up and I couldn't figure out why!
N: I look up the music page on Ceefax every day and last night I read a letter
from this guy slagging Fool Again. He was saying, ´Don't Westlife ever do
anything upbeat?´
ALL SAINTS USED TO LIE TO THEIR FITNESS TRAINERS ABOUT HOW MANY SIT-UPS THEY'D
COMPLETED. WHICH OF YOU GUYS IS MOST LIKELY TO SLACK OFF IN THE GYM?
N: Me! I always lie to our fitness instructor. I hide round the corner for ten
minutes and then appear again huffing and puffing, pretending I've just
finished a long run.
S: Nicky hates the gym more than anyone!
N: It's because I trained every day for two years. I don't want to do it any
more. Coming up to the tour though I will work out and get myself fit.
B: Ha! Yeah right!
N: Well, I hope to.
B: (Putting on a weedy drip voice.) Oooh, please no, I have a tummy ache!
S: Let's face it, none of us are fitness freaks.
A POP STAR IS ACCUSED OF LYING ABOUT THEIR AGE. WHICH WESTLIFER WOULD BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TERRIBLE CRIME?
N: Feehily. He'd lie about his age to girls.
B: He sometimes pretends he's 25.
M: Don't I get a say here?!
N: No! Just imagine Mark was chatting you up, he'd look at me on the sly and
say, ´Nicky, I'm 25 today. OK?´ and I'll go, ´Whatever.´ I have to back up
Mark up when he lies to girls.
K: Shane will age the fastest though, that's for sure. He's ruined!
S: I'm sorry but I think Kian will age the quieckest, physically and facially.
Kian's groove's scooting back quickly, you know! (Everyone bar Kian falls off
their chair in fits of laughter.)
K: Oi, that's my natural hairline!
S: I'm not saying it's bad now but the groove might scoot. I'll probably go bald
too. And Nicky...
N: I'll wear a cap every single day.
M: I'll always have lots of hair.
B: Me too. I'll be like Brian May with the big long hair right down my back.
YOU WANT TO SPICE UP AN INTERVIEW - WHO IS LIKELY TO TELL THE FIRST FIB?
B: Mark.
M: No, I'd say Nicky.
N: I wouldn't lie about anything serious but I do like to wind people up.
S: Nicky makes up stories every single day!
N: On the video shoot in Mexico we were surrounded by riot police. They were
there to protect the equipment but I told the guys it was because we'd been
insured for a million pounds each!
M: We totally believed him.
B: I never lie. I can't.
S: I always lie when I fill out hotel forms. I never tell them my real name and
address.
B: Actually when I was 16 I lied about my age on my bus pass. I wrote down that
I was 21 and the guy stamped it without even looking! Ha!
THE SPICE GIRLS ONCE PEELED POSH'S KNICKERS OFF AND THREW THEM OUT OF A CAR
WINDOW. WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO DO THAT TO ONE OF HIS WESTLIFE BANDMATES?
K: Now this actually happened... (To the others.) Whose boxer shorts did we
throw out of the window of La Reserve? (Posh London hotel.)
N: Bryan's, but only because he'd chucked my lucky socks out first.
B: No, no, no. Nicky threw my boxer shorts out the window first and then I spied
his lucky socks. He never goes anywhere without his lucky socks when we're
doing a TV show.
S: Nicky and Bryan both gasped and dived for the socks at the same time.
B: But I grabbed them first and chucked them out. Nicky had to run around the
next day to find them.
YOU SEE AN OLD LADY SHOPLIFTING A TIN OF WHISKAS IN A SUPERMARKET. WHO'S MOST
LIKELY TO HELP HER OUT OF THE SHOP UNDETECTED?
K: Nicky. He's very kind.
M: I'd bust her.
S: I always help old people. (The other guys roar with laughter at this
comment.)
B: Shane always helps old ladies across the road!
S: I respect old people. mark and I sat down for dinner with an old lady at a
show we were doing. She was sat on her own so we joined her. We didn't even
know her or anything.
N: And then you robbed her purse!
M: He's joking.
YOU'VE GOT A BUSY DAY WITH THE BAND AHEAD. TROUBLE IS, YOU'RE SUFFERING THE
AFTEREFFECTS OF A NIGHT OUT. WHICH OF YOU GUYS SPINS A YARN TO BUNK OFF?
S: Mark.
M: What?
N: (Mimicking a dopey, dimwit voice.) ´The lift doesn't go to the top floor!´
Mark's always late and his excuses are a joke.
M: I'd like to defend myself please.
S: No, we'll tell the story! He arrives 15 minutes late for a meeting on the top
floor of our hotel.
K: His excuse is, ´Erm, well, erm, da lift doesn't go to the top floor.´ I said,
´But Mark, I've just got out at the top floor.´ So he goes, ´Ooh, erm, well,
it got stuck.´
M: That's not true.
B: OK, I can definitely prove that Mark's the biggest liar. We were leaving this
hotel and we said to Mark, ´Did you steal a bathrobe from your room?´ He
denied it but we looked inside his bag...
N: And there were, like, 15 bathrobes stuffed inside!
M: Yeah, I took the bathrobe, OK? But it was only the one. The others were all
mine! Honest!
THE VERDICT:
Well, well, well. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?! Mark Feehily you have
the mind of a master criminal! Oi, there's no need to look smug, Nicky Byrne...
you too have proved yourself to be a bevious individual. In fact, all five of
you are guilty of masquerading as squeaky-clean,
butter-wouldn't-melt-in-your-mouth pop stars. Grannies across the land might be
foiled by your con act but you can't pull the wool over your eyes, lads. Under
normal circumstances we would send you down for ten years hard labour in the
TOTP Magazine office. However we fear such action will cause chaos and riots
across the land. In view of this we hereby sentence you to 20 years community
service on the condition that you will continue to entertain the world with top
pop tunes. You have had a lucky escape, boys!