Honestly OK

Nicky and Shane had almost perfect lives. They where living their dream; traveling the world, seeing new places, meeting new people, but back home life wasn't so perfect...

All Nicky could hear down the phone was breathing. Heavy, unsteady, rhythm-less panting. Like someone had been running or they where really nervous. It was making Nicky uneasy, he’d already been on the phone a couple of minutes and not a word had been spoken.

"Hello?…HELLO?!…What do you want?…Who is this? I’m fed up with this, I’m putting the phone down…Now!" He said angrily.
"Nicky," he heard a voice whimper.
"Shane? Shane is that you?" There was no reply after asking but he knew it was him. "What’s wrong mate? What’s happened?" Nicky could now hear him crying. Shane hardly ever cried and if he did he never let anyone else know that he was. "Why are you crying," Nicky insisted.
"It’s Ellie," Shane managed to sniff out.

Shane and Ellie had been dating for over 3 years. He’d got to know her though Nicky. She was one of his best mates. She was the most beautiful person either of them had ever met. Not only was she beautiful on the outside but she was funny, intelligent, caring, everything and anything you could want in a friend. She had amazing green eyes almost like a dark turquoise and curly dark blonde hair that floated around her face. Shane and Ellie where truly committed to each other, though Shane hadn’t plucked up the courage to ask her to be his wife yet.
She hadn’t had the easiest up bringing in the world. Her father had walked out no her when she was two to travel the world. Though later she found out he had done what he said he was going to do, he’d died in a plane crash just off the coast of Australia when she was 6. To her mother being a single parent had come as to much of a blow and she had hit the bottle. Ellie was taken in to care and was in and out of foster homes between the ages of 4 and 12 until she run away. After a year on the streets with run ins with drugs and crime she was back in care where they found her a permanent home, somewhere she could stay, have a base.
That life is a far cry from her life now. She had a brilliant relationship with her mum, they where closer that they’d ever been before. Ellie relised that was probably because her mum didn’t have to look after her but she didn’t care. Nicky loved her to pieces, they where more like brother and sister than friends. He had been very weary of Shane going out with her, he didn’t like it. He knew what Shane was like and didn’t want Ellie with someone like that but it all turned out OK in the end. She had a flourishing career in public relations and was still fairly young.

"What’s happened? She’s OK isn’t she?" Nicky shouted down the phone. All he could hear was Shane’s breathing getting faster and faster and the tears following faster and faster. "I’m coming round, now!" He said slamming the phone down hard.

He run though his house and grabbed his denim jacket off the back of the kitchen chair, he did it so sharply that he knocked the chair over sending it crashing to the ground. "Shit!" He yelled stopping to pick it up again.
"What’s all the commotion about?" Georgina asked walking in to the kitchen with a pen in her hand and resting her gasses on the top of her head.
"Something’s wrong with Ellie, I have to get to Shane’s." He said rushing passed her hitting her on the way round the legs with his jacket. "Sorry, if I disturbed your study." He yelled as he rushed out the door, slamming it behind him.
He headed for the garage and as quickly as he could he jumped into his BMW and started up the engine. He sped out of the drive leaving speed marks on the tarmac as he went. He looked at the clock on the dashboard, it was 11 o’clock in the evening, he didn’t think it was that late. Well it was the middle of winter, it got dark, early how was he meant to know the time?

Nicky sped though the country lanes as fast a he could, thank god no one was on the roads. It only normally took 15 minutes to get to Shanes’ from Nicky’s but tonight it felt like it was taking hours.
Nicky automatically started to worry. What the hells happened to get Shane so worked up? Maybe she’s walked out on him. Maybe…His thought trailed off as he turned the corner to Shane’s house to be confronted with a barrage of police cars and ambulances.
"Fuck, what the hells going on?" He said pulling up next to Shane’s car. He stepped out almost hitting Shane’s car with his car door. He slammed it shut and ran up to the front door. He banged fanticly on the door, he didn’t wait to seconds before yelling his name at the top of his lungs. "SHANE!"
A woman answered the door Nicky had never met before. He noticed she was in a police uniform. "Who the hell are you?"
"You must be Mr. Byrne, come in." She said solemnly. Nicky didn’t notice the tone in her voice or the fact she didn’t answer his question. Nicky walked in, taking everything in. It was like he’d never been there before even though he treated it as his second home. There where people walking all over the place, he didn’t recognise one of them.
"What the fuck’s going on?" He said demanding to know what was happening.
"Em…I think it’s better you speak to Mr. Filan first. He’s in the kitchen." She said pointing.
"I now where it is," he snapped walking off. He raced in to the kitchen to find Shane being comforted by another officer. He walked slowly over to him, he’d never seen him like this before. He was a mess. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, he eyes red, puffy and looking painful. He was glad he’d never seen him like this before, it made him upset just looking at him.
He walked over to him and rested his hand on Shane’s shoulder. He looked up and after a delayed reaction threw his arms round his neck and broke down in tears, sobbing in Nicky’s shoulder.
"Do you want me to stay or would you like me to leave?" The female officer asked.
"Stay," Shane whined looking over his shoulder.
"Shane mate, what’s happened?" Shane opened his mouth but no words escaped his lips. He sat back down around the kitchen table, Nicky sat himself down in the chair next to Shane. "I need to know what’s going on."
"I know but…but I just don’t know how to," Shane said as shivers run down his spine.
"Tell me!" Nicky said sternly scared shitless.
"Ellie, she’s…she’s dead!"
"You what?" Nicky said as his stomach did a back flip.
"Ellie, she killed herself."
"Herself? …She wouldn’t. She was happy, why would she do that?" Shane gave no reply he just buried his head in his hands. "Shane ANSWER ME…What did you do to her?"
"I didn’t…I didn’t do anything," he stammered. He turned to the police officer and pleaded with his eyes for help. She walked over and sat in the chair opposite.
"Can you tell me what this pricks on about?" Nicky asked desperate for answers and for the truth to turn to lies.
"Listen, and listen carefully both of you. This is nobody’s fault, I’m sorry to say it but she took her own life. Nobody had a say, it was her own choice…but there maybe a reason for her judgment to be clouded."
"What are you talking about? Ellie would never take her own life, there’s no reason for her to," Nicky insisted.
"Just listen," the women said. "Something happened a couple of weeks ago. You where away and she insisted you never know about it, she did come to the police how ever but refused counselling. This I fear played a major factor in what’s happened."
"Just say it," Nicky said.
"Ellie was raped. She was attacked on the way home from seeing a friend and a guy jumped her. She insisted you two never knew but we have found two letters one to us and one addressed to ‘My Boys’."
"She…I can’t get my head round this," Nicky said breaking down into tears again. After a while he asked, "How did she do it?"
"Over dose," the officer said. "It wouldn’t have been painful she would have felt like she was falling asleep."
"Shane, you found her?"
"Yea," he said sniffing.
"Can I see her?" Nicky asked whipping his eyes with the back of his hand.
"Course, she’s up stairs in her bed. I’ll come up with you."
"Shane, will you come with?"
"I can’t…I can’t see her again."
"Shane she’s your fucking girlfriend," Nicky said standing up. Shane just shook his head. Nicky tutted in disgust and stormed out.

He slowly walked up the long spiral staircase to Shane’s upstairs. It felt like the green mile, he looked up the stairs they seemed never ending. Swirls of never-ending marble and all he could hear was the clip of his heals on the cold hard stone. Suddenly it dawned on him, this was his best friend. Felt like his eyes where looking at the back of his head like in one of those horror movies. Apart from this was real, as much as he didn’t want it to be it was. Finally he reached the top of the stairs and straight in front of him was Shane’s bedroom. The door was slightly a-jar, Nicky walked over and in slow motion watched his hand rest on the door handle. Holding it tightly, he turned the handle unnecessarily and pushed the door gently open.
He gasped at what he saw, Ellie was lying tucked up in bed. She looked so peaceful. Just like she was asleep. The tears started following faster and heavier, he started to shake too scared to go near her incase he disturbed her. He heavy footed, walked over to her and hesitantly sat on the bed next to her. He gently took her and in his. She was cold, stone cold. It sent shivers down his spine.
He looked at her she was so beautiful…the voice in his head that was yelling and confusing him suddenly stopped! Everything become real. Someone had fucked up her rights as a human being so mush so she couldn’t go on with life anymore. Nicky had no idea how that felt, to have someone force themselves on you. It made his sick just thinking about it. What must it have been like for Ellie? She must have been so scared…terrified! Why would anyone do that? It’s disgusting. Nicky now knew why she’s sounded so distant on the phone. She hadn’t been to see Georgina and they got on great, they saw each other at least once every other day. Georgina did say she’s been round but no one answered.
He just wanted her to sit up and hug him. Tell him it was all one nasty joke. Not likely. He sat staring at her, holding her hand tighter and tighter.
"Wake up," he whispered staring in to her blue lips unable to lift his head higher at that moment. "Please…" Nothing happened. Nicky felt like his world was ending, it was all coming crashing around his feet. Nothing would ever be the same again, the band would change, Shane’s life, Nicky’s life, Georgina’s, her mothers'.
He laid himself on top of her, hugging her, begging her to come back…but it didn’t work she just stayed lip in his arms.
Nicky gently laid her back down and pulled away, his nose was running all down his chin but he didn’t clear it and face was wet from tears.
He went back to holding her hand, brushing away a stray hair from her face.
"Baby," he whispered like he was being careful not to wake her. His husky Irish voice became pain to his ears. "Why? Why couldn’t you tell me? All the things we’ve been though together and sorted out…and what about Shane, huh? He loves you so much. He…we could’ve helped, we would’ve understood.
Ellie…you’re so beautiful, I know I don’t say it as mush as I should but…I love you. You’re my best friend nothing will ever change that. You’re my soul mate…
Good bye Ell," he said placing a heart felt, beautiful kiss on her cold lips. "Good Bye…" he rested her hand back at her side and left the room closing the door tight as he left.
He slid down the wall outside and cried into his hand. It was strange, it didn’t feel like she was gone, but he knew it would – eventually. As soon as he and another argument with Georgina and had no where to run to, no one to talk to.
After a while he plucked up the courage to go back down and face Shane. Why he found it so hard to go and talk to one of his best friends he couldn’t understand.
Downstairs Shane was still in the kitchen staring in to a cup of tea. Nicky spotted a tear fall from his check in to the cup. He finally realised he wasn’t the only one that had lost someone, it was hard for Shane to. Nicky went up to him and hugged him. What the fuck are we gonna do? Nicky thought. How do we deal with this?
They both sat back round the table again, ready to talk.
"She looked so peaceful," Nicky said.
"So beautiful," Shane continued. " I…erm…I only just got back today. I went home first to go see mam and day and got back today. We spoke on the phone last night." To Nicky it felt like Shane was pleading for forgiveness. "Do you wanna know what the last thing she said to me was before my phone cut as off." Nicky shock his head.
"Honestly, I’m OK," Shane laughed. There was a long silence until Nicky asked,
"Can I read the letter?" He looked to Shane then to the policewoman standing in the corner of the room. "Please, it was addressed to both of us."
Shane slowly stood up and walked over to the breakfast bar and picked the envelope up. He held it with to hands as he walked over shacking. He held it out for Nicky to take hold of. He hesitantly took hold of it and stared at it.
It was a plain office envelope with ‘My Boys’ written across the front in Ellie’s beautiful fancy writing. He slowly pealed back the self-adhesive flap and pulled out the faintly scented piece of A4 plain paper. It was folded 3 times and one by one he lifted them open.
The whole thing was hand written in black ink with a large signature at the bottom.
Nicky started to read it…

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
Ellie x

Nicky huffed, "Honestly OK" he said to himself.

Dido – Honestly OK – No Angel 2001