|
| PLEASE VISIT OUR SPONSORS |
| ...Its 2002, the lads have had success beyond their wildest dreams, but theres still something missing, just that special something that would 'make it all complete'. From success there comes a price, a price Kian makes himself pay, despite a trying help from Shane... |
|
PART ONE The screams were almost over-whelming; it was as though an explosion had taken place amongst the crowd below, a sea of cheers and happy eager faces before them. It wasn’t enough. It was months now since Christmas 2001 and Kian had an empty feeling that had just seemed to double in size with every day that passed. Almost every day he looked at himself and the lads, what he wanted was someone to be with, to share the bands’ success, to call when he felt lonely, to hold when he felt pain. There was no one. Sure, there were the lads, but they were like brothers to him, he needed a different kind of love. It wasn’t visible to the others; the jealously only went on inside his head. First, there was Bryan, a fun-loving, dear friend, he had his love and he had his child, he was content. Then there was Nicky, again a fab band mate; he had Georgina, the love of his life. Then there was Mark, he’d known since he was very young; who had model girlfriends in and out faster than Kian could count. And there was Shane, the most popular guy with the fans, always wanted, always loved, always cherished by the majority. The press had to find someone new, other than Bryan now to pick on, they chose Kian, the media seemed to enjoy torturing him for everything and anything, anything at all. Kian looked at himself, what was it that women didn’t like about him? Why was he so unlucky with love? No one ever seemed interested in him, he was just ‘the harmoniser’ in the group, as he saw it. Kian thought to himself that he had never been perfect, he’d always been stocky, but lately through feeling quite down he’d noticed an increase in his weight. Though it was a very small increase, Kian noticed it. Great. ‘Now they’ll call me fat’ he thought. That was it. Kian decided to lose weight, though he’d never ever had to in his life before so he had no idea how to do it. Gradually but surely as every day went past he began to make himself sick after every meal, it was the only way he understood how to, without going hungry. Sure the first few days were hard, and he had to force himself to put his fingers down his throat. But after a while he wasn’t hungry permanently. Though it didn’t make him feel any better, which was the reason he carried on, once he was thinner, he would be happy, so when he’s happy, he’ll stop, was what he told himself. He didn’t want to tell the others, they’d think he was a freak, they never knew, and they didn’t have to, Kian thought. ‘The others are better off not knowing ‘. They were performing on Top Of The Pops, to advertise their new single coming out on release the week after, Kian had found it difficult with the pain inside his stomach and the dance routine but he coped well. He’d been on his ‘diet’ for 3 months, and in that space of time not eaten much that hadn’t been thrown up, he experienced dizzy spells, but that was normal, he’d got used to those, they usually lasted about 5 to 10 seconds then stopped. The dance routine went perfect and the performance was a success, though he didn’t want to watch the replay of it, it was live and he didn’t want to see himself looking fat so he decided to go to the toilet and throw up the chocolate bar he’d had before the performance which Anto made them all have for their “energy” or something. He checked behind him to see if anyone was with him. No. They’d all gone to watch the replay, he went into the gents’ restroom, into a toilet and locked the door. He pulled his fingers out of his mouth just in time before it came, he retched and threw up a little, ‘better than nothing’ he thought and flushed the toilet – he felt depressed. He walked out of the toilet to the sink and a voice from behind him made him jump. “How long has this been going on Kian?” Shane was standing with his back against the gents’ door, he arms folded but his expression concerned and worried. “What are you talking about mate?” Kian said. Shane replied simply “This.” “What?” Kian kept pretending, “this!” Shane said again and walked forward towards Kian, pointing at the toilet Kian had just been in. ”I…er… felt a bit ill, something I ate probably” Kian said in defence. Shane almost shouted “Bull Shit Kian! I’ve been watching you for nearly 5 days, every time after every meal you do this.” Kian held back “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shane was up close to him now “Kian you’ve lost so much weight, look at yourself. It isn’t healthy, tell me, let me help you, let me in.” he said softly. Tears started rolling down Kian’s face and Shane embraced him, hugged him, never wanting to let him go again. “I don’t know what to do Shane, I don’t know what to do.” “Don’t worry, you’re going to get better, we’re going to do it together, this isn’t your fault.” “The media…” “I know man, don’t worry, its going to be okay, the lads will understand.” Something told Kian it wasn’t going to be okay, he was past help, it was too late for that, Kian seized up, an underlying pain shot like a bullet through his chest. He suddenly started coughing, he put his hand over his mouth and when he took his hand away there was blood, the pain increased, blood? That wasn’t right, that wasn’t supposed to happen. He couldn’t stop coughing, the blood was everywhere, all over Shane’s shirt and all over Kian’s hands, he was drowning, he dropped to the floor and started shaking, Shane held him, hoping to God it would pass and Kian just lay there in Shane’s arms, welcoming the surrounding darkness that had come to take away the pain from inside him. PART TWO Shane kicked his foot hard into a paper bin in the small room, it went flying and knocked into the wall, spilling its contents all over the floor. Shane was angry. “arGHHH” he pressed himself up against the hard brick wall, shut his eyes tight and slammed his fist against it with all the strength he could muster, he didn’t care if it hurt, the pain was nothing to what he felt inside. He had barely spoken a word since it happened. The panic. The ambulance. The doctors. The verdict. It was like Shane was on trial… and he failed. He had failed to reach out and help one of the dearest people in the world to him. Kian had died because his lungs were bleeding internally, diagnosed with Bulimia. And he’d sat there and watched it happen; he’d sat there and watched Kian slowly kill himself, why hadn’t he reached out sooner? It felt like someone had just ripped Shane’s heart out and trodden on it. He felt as though he’d betrayed Kian as a friend, he hadn’t been there, he saw something was wrong with Kian but he was too late. “Shane?” Shane looked up from the floor at which he was staring. It was Bryan. “Shane, are you going to be alright for the press conference?” Shane nodded, still facing the wall “we can re-schedule if you like.” Nicky said. Shane shook his head, he wanted it over with. He was angry at the press, it was their fault, they took Kian away, and its going to take Shane a long time to forgive himself for not being there quicker, when he knew what was happening for days before hand. The death of Kian Egan from Westlife was a shock to everyone and people wanted answers, the conference was going to be broadcasted live, so answers they were going to get, Shane was going to tell all the people and fans at home the real reason, no lies. They entered the room; it was like trial all over again, except this time they had their say. In turn they all sat down, first Mark, then Nicky, then Shane, then Bryan. Two of them were going to speak. Nicky was numb, he couldn’t find his voice, there seemed to be a lump the size of Jupiter in his throat, he couldn’t understand it. Nicky had shared hotel rooms with Kian and Shane for months and had never noticed a thing, he couldn’t understand – didn’t their love for Kian mean anything to him? Shane hadn’t talked much since it happened, Nicky couldn’t blame him, poor guy but Nicky just wanted to know why, why did it happen, and what’s responsible? He knew that the media had been giving Kian out lately but that couldn’t be the reason, could it? Flashes went off and they seemed to blind Shane’s eyes, they were given the signal and it began, the cameras started recording and Bryan spoke. “The death of one of our members Kian Egan came as a shock to everyone, including us. Kian was a great singer and an even greater friend to all of us, we will miss him dearly. We have decided to continue with Westlife as a Quartet, but will be taking time off to mourn the loss of someone who will be remembered forever in our hearts, Kian Egan, we wish that you don’t badger us during this time.” He looked up at the cameras, remembering the great friend that used to be, then the undoubted pain he must have gone through before his death, he’s dead. Bryan still found it hard to believe, sometimes he even woke up and thought it’d all been some horrible nightmare, but Kian was never waiting for him in the hotel when he woke up, smiling his warm hearted smile, ironically always being there for Bryan… Bryan was supposed to say what Kian had been diagnosed with at his death, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, tears were welling up in Bryan’s eyes, the pressure was mounting. Shane took this opportunity; he knew Bryan couldn’t go on. He saw all the journalists busy scribbling in their notebooks, this made him angry. He began “I’d known Kian for almost as long as I can remember, he died in my arms, I saw what was happening to him before he died and I want to tell you that I hope you’re satisfied with what you’ve done.” His voice quavered and the journalists looked up, slightly shocked. He carried on, he stood up, holding the little mic stand in his hands, waving at the press, there must have been about 50 of them. “Kian had an eating disorder, he had bulimia, and do you know why? I’ll tell you why. It was because of you.” He pointed accusingly to the journalists before him “You made him turn to what he did because you didn’t know how to bring out the goodness in him that was always there.” Tears were welling up in his eyes and he was forcing them back, he knew his voice was shaking but he didn’t care, he owed it to the band, to the fans and to everyone exactly what happened in Kians last moments. “He was a true, wise friend and all you ever did was say horrible things about him. You killed him; just before he died I promised him I would help him, that it would be okay. From your biased and small mindedness you drove him to the pain, which he suffered. You killed him, you-” It was to much. He gave in to the tidal wave of emotion that had built up inside him over the past week and let it sweep over, it hit him like a concrete wall. He broke down, he dropped the mic and covered his face with his hands and sobbed, he sobbed for the pain Kian suffered, the darkness of a man’s heart that was the media, and the loss of a majestic friend too wise for words that was Kian Egan. The tears came as though they’d never end, and flowed like a waterfall, Shane hadn’t been so upset in his life before, he was defeated by his emotion. Shane was shaking slightly as Nicky got to his feet and put his arms around Shane, tears flowing freely down his face. The room and everyone at home were startled by what Shane had said, perhaps now people wouldn’t believe everything they read and the media would think twice before letting something go to print…maybe, maybe not. There was nothing more to say. Together they left the room, tear ridden and in a hug that represented the bonds between the remaining four of Westlife, bonds never to be broken again. Never. PART THREE Every year on this day they visit the cemetery, the funeral was small and private, Westlife had continued and had success even their dreams couldn’t predict. Slowly they all got down and they all felt the moist grass on their trousers, it was mid March. After some time Bryan and Mark had left, back to the car, the process was always very traumatic for the group. Nicky was on his knees next to Shane, one arm wrapped round his shoulder. “I meant what I said Kiano, it wasn’t your fault.” Shane carried on talking to the engraved marble stone “we finally conquered the US” Nicky added “le gra, go deo Kian”. After a few more minutes Nicky decided it was time to go, Shane wiped his eyes and said “love always, dear friend” and ran his fingers across the engraved writing in the marble, simply written “You Make Me Feel” then stood up and walked away with Nicky, walking away from the grave of whom he thought was perhaps one of the greatest men ever to live. Kian Egan. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well that was my Fanfic. hope you like it, please note i have nothing against Kian or any of the lads, some ppl have to face problems like this every day, its just an illustration trying to get ppl to understand the causes of their actions and what devastating affects it can have on people. xxx. love always TheDreamer (Lex Jones) xx |